People have told me I should write a joke book. The problem with that is that, my humor is tied into my compulsive behavior. If I try to force it, it dries up. I have to let it flow. But, I think I can get away with putting some of my material here. It's not quite like writing a book. I can let this page grow at my leisure.
Warning: No subject is off limits to me. Some content may be offensive to some people.
All humor here is "original". But what is original humor? I have a joke, only to see it posted on the Internet
from across the country two days later. I didn't think it could travel that far in such a short time. It's fully
possible that someone made up the same joke.
Q: Who's the happiest guy in a car factory?
A: The one who gets to put the make on a model!
If Uranus jokes aren't funny, then why is the planet rolling on its side?
The World's Worst Pun! (so far)
Why doesn't Howard drink caffeine? Because then he'd by Whyard!
Q: What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist with a plastic surgeon?
A: Someone who treats his patients with hip noses.
Last night, I dreamt my cell phone was a rhinoceros. When I woke up, it was still charging.
Nowadays people think it's cool to say, “My taste in music is eclectic.” Well, my taste in music is epileptic. Whenever I hear hip hop, I start going into seizures.
Q: What does a gay programmer do after sex?
A: He runs his debugger.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gay men are from Mars too, but they're looking to invade Uranus.
Mother Earth is a lesbian. At any point in time, consider how many other women are sitting on the face of the Earth.
Why are there words such as subhuman and subatomic, but there are no subfruits? Here is why. Consider any collection of subfruits. If you remove the sublime, you're left with the ridiculous.
Chemists have found out that synthroid can reverse hemlock poisoning. When you mix hemlock and synthroid, you get hemroid. The cure's a pain in the ass, but you don't die.
Man: What state is most famous for its potatoes?
Man: I know you da ho, but what state is most famous for its potatoes?
Q: What do you call a logical lesbian?
A: A Boole dyke.
On Rodents and Religion
Rodents are the creatures that control religion. The rabbits control religion in the Western world. One of the most well known rabbits in history is Peter Rabbit, the first Pope. He's also known as the Easter Bunny.
It has long been thought that Hispania, the original name for Spain, was the Phonecian word for rabbit. This would explain why so many Hispanics are Roman Catholic.
Another well known rabbit is Bible Thumper.
The Pentecostal concept of new life is modeled after the breeding pattern of rabbits. They believe you can be born again, and again, and again, ad infinitum.
Rabbits also appear in the Jewish religion. In modern usage, they drop the t and call them rabbis.
Despite their quantity, rabbits are in fact an endangered species. A smaller group of rodents from the Eastern world is seeking to wrest control from the rabbits. They're called the mouse-lims.
Q: What's the difference between a Present Day Saint and a Latter Day Saint?
A: A Present Day Saint says, "I'll do it right now, Lord." A Latter Day Saint says, "I'll get to it Mormontarily."
Did you hear about the new year-round ski resort? It's for Polish people only.
Santa: The Real Story
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of thieves.
Santa doesn't make all those toys. He steals them.
The elves are just a business front.
I have been asked if I believe in same sex marriage. I believe that married couples should have different sex as often as possible.
English is the only language I know where you can take the words now and hit and form synonyms by putting an s on the front of each one.
Republican lesbian: A woman who likes Bush.
Deaf people can't hold office. They can't repeat themselves unless they resign.
It's okay to tell gay jokes, Muslim jokes, blonde jokes, and deaf and blind jokes. But, I always hear, "Don't tell any racist jokes!" Why are people so afraid of offending racists?
Customer to clerk: Can you remove the fat from this fat free product? I just want it free.
There's a new computer chip that makes computers think like black people. It's called the NAACPU. There's a major toy company who wants to buy the patent, because it shares its name with one of the chip's instructions: HASBRO.
It takes about four and a half years for sound to reach Heaven. In 1971, John Lennon sang, "Imagine there's no Heaven…" Nine years later, in 1980, news came back from Heaven: "Imagine there's no John Lennon…"
I was eating a cup of Greek yogurt. The label said, "Greek Yogurt, Fruit on the Bottom." I thought, "That's just wrong."
Any fighting instructor will tell you not to lose your head in a fight. But you must also be careful not to lose your feet. You don't want to be de-feet-ed.
Q: Why is the job of priest called a clerical position?
A: It's because of all the papalwork.
Q: Why do women always have the last word?
A: Because they're the ones with the period.
Q: What weapon carries its victim to the hospital?
A: An ambu-lance!
Why is baseball called "The American Pastime" if you can't hit the ball unless Europe?
Was the first Irish Jew named Oy McVeigh?
How Labrador Retrievers Were Named
At one time scientists wondered if there was a genetic factor in prostitution. A group of geneticists gathered some prostitutes to study them in the lab. Being what they were, the prostitutes escaped at night in order to work on the streets. The geneticists then bred a dog whose task it was to find the prostitutes and return them. They were thus named "lab bred whore retrievers". The spelling was changed to "labrador" to make it all one word.
Is a two-timing cop called a pigamist?
Marine Life Activist: Someone who runs a shelter for battered fish.
Those who perform hip hop for the underaged should be arrested for statutory rap.
I'm a living example of quintum mechanics. I'm composed entirely of quirks.
If astronomical discoveries are so neat, why do they call them Messier objects?
They've found a link between antacids and STDs. To begin with, tums backwards is smut. And, if you take antacids while laying on your stomach, you might end up with rolAIDS.
If a Russian prostitute looks like a dog, is she called a Siberian hussy?
A friend said his wife was going with a male friend to a performance by The Reproductive Orchestra. I asked him if he was worried. He said, "No. Orchestras don't have organs."
Name for a new sperm bank: First National Wank and Trust.
Mathematicians are really far behind on birth control techniques. They're still using the logarithm method.
Do you know why dairy products are always in the back of the supermarket? Because they're in eggs-aisle!
Q. Why do Japanese soldiers march in circles?
A. Because every step is about face.
How to order your eggs Muslim style: “I want my eggs Sunni side up, and don't give me any Shia.”